melancholic clairvoyant

it is a memory i dont want to keep.i'm sorry guys,it ended as a dissapointment.i dont mean it.

i was taking the train home,alone when candy and alex caught me halfway.at that moment,i couldnt control and i broke down.it didnt occur to me that they received my unhappy msg and came immediately down to look for me even though they're tired after a long day of work.i always feels so safe,so secure with them.to outsiders,they seem so harsh on me.but i know,they used extreme method(s) to make me get all my frustrations out;to make my spill me unhappiness for the fact that i'm as stubborn as mull that i always believe in my own imagination.in me,they stand a place so important that one cant imagine the only reason being,they share only my tears.

i have friends all over.so many that sometimes i forget their names.however,how many have the ability & patience to share your teared moments?they are the only 2 who dont share my laughter,who make not a single contribution to my smile.not even once.for they believe its all crap(s) to make a person happy for just that short moment and the frustration still remains.they said they'll never let me feel better by laughing because laughter only acts as a lid to hide unhappiness and once the lid is lifted,the unhappiness surfaced.no doubt,crying as well dont solve the problem.instead of consoling me or drew my smile,they force harsh method on me to face the situation;to think thoroughly through.instead of pulling my up when i sink,from behind,they pushed me so hard that i found the anger to get back up.

and again,i cried to them for the second this week.i ask bitterly why do i have to face all these?candy replied me: why do u lost ur nonchalant self?at that moment,i stop crying.i was dumbfolded.my mind went blank;i thought hard for an excuse but apparently i couldnt came up with one.i just stood there,looking at the duo blankly.at the moment,i realise all these while i'm gradually losing myself.i used to be nonchalant;i took things in my stride when unhappiness came by.slowly,i said: i used to stand by myself but now i'm with another half.

the next thing i know,alex grabbed me and shook me hard.with his harsh tone,he ask me to wake up;he said this is not a good excuse.i know he is angry with me for being so weak.alex never like to see me in this worse state.he said: why do you have to be so bothered by someone who never bothered?why must you make yourself seem so cheap over such person?didnt you always live by yourself in love of family and caring friends?for the second time,i froze.thats the exact thing i myself once said.before i could even react,he continued: dont you give me those crap like you cant live without him.these are all ~~bullshit~~ ok.didnt u still sleep and eat and go to school;report to work without him?

true,so true that i realise my existance in others.i actually exist in the world of alex and candy whom i used to abhor as they never bother to deceive me to ease my pain.but other than them,i think my existance doesnt matter.

i remembered when i was younger,i used to ask candy why dont she bothered to make up some excuse to make me feel better.up till now,i still didnt get an answer because even till now,whenever i harp on that particular question,she chose to remain silent.slowly,i realise its a waste of breath.because cihui from young till now,she's remained pessimistic.she insist on believe on something bad instead of thinking on the bright side.i just want to protect myself.i experienced times when i was filled with hope but ended up in utter disappointment.i dont want that feeling back again because i'm became so vulnerable each time it happens.

i hope,i pray for the courage to face this and to get over..

YYY

因为曾经拥有，所以笑。
10:17:00 PM