melancholic clairvoyant

i do not need somebody to tell me what to do,how to proceed.because,eveybody said the same thing.but...of course i know they are right and i am supposed to do it.yet,i tried and tried and tried.apparently,i couldnt.i really cant.the more i tried,the more pain i felt.

i cant stop myself from thinking.it seems everywhere i go,everything i does,it reminds me of the time we spend.regardless whether happy memories or sad moments,it made me teared.now,i really really hate taking the path from train station to home.because it reminds me of the first time how he tried so hard to hold my hand.i hate taking the lift at my block because it reminds me of how he tried to hug me.i am so afraid of the stairs because it reminds me of the time we spend sitting quietly or chatting.and,what i am most afraid of and dread going is to work.because it reminds me of how i met him,how he tried to get my number and i reject him.yes,it was anchorpoint jack's place;the place where we met.i even rmb which table he sat and what he had.it was so painful.. and i have to be there.it even remind me that my workplace is so near to be.i am physically near him everytime i'm at work..i fear stepping foot at bt.batok area because i know he's somewhere near;he lives there.i didnt want to go to xiuzhen's place because it reminds me that i am only few blocks away from him.

now,i want so much to be alone yet i hate to be alone.i want to be alone because i could think of the memories we had tgt.and everytime i does that,i teared so hard.i hate to be alone because i really wanted to forget him.i lament because i couldnt bear to.the moment i think of him with another girl,i felt my heartache.it ache so much that i really couldnt breathe,i thought i am going to suffer from a heart attck.

every morning i would rush to the bathroom because i didnt want to bump into my mum for fear i have swollen eyes and she would spot it.i spend long hrs in the bathroom,trying to do something to the red and swollen eyes,to the heavy eyebags due to crying.because of that,i am always almost late for sch,late for work.in sch,i tried so hard to put my phone in some secret compartment in my bag for fear that i would constantly look at it.of course,hoping that he would called or text-ed.everyday,i hope for his call and texts.yet,everyday starts with hopes and end with disappointment.the moment i reached home after sch,i bury myself with games,with drama,with tv.so as to forget him.every night,i make sure i am so exhaust that i would climb straight to bed and no time to toss ard so i would not have time to think of him.but when i failed,i hid under my blankets to cry.i already lost count of the number of times i cried for him.not to say,the amt of tears i lost.

i tried.believe me,i really do so until i hate myself so much.i want to forget him.so i made myself think of all the bad things about him,all the actions which i hate that he done.but,afterwhich,i find a billion and one excuses to explain for him.and whenever my mum ask me what happen to my voice (after my secret crying),i would say i got flu.i get so tired of it.

i really cant bear to let him go.my face would be filled with tears if i knw he got someone else,if i knw he doesnt love me anymore,or perhaps he is going to marry someone else other than me.but wilson once asked me whether i would marry such a man,i couldnt ans.

...

without u,i find it so hard to even smile.without u,i felt no motivation in life.i am nothing without u because u are someone whom i cannot afford to lose..

YYY

因为曾经拥有，所以笑。
12:09:00 AM